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4 posts tagged New Years
New Years venting/whining/resolution-making
Ok so I’ve been pretty down lately. It’s due to a great ugly batter of things and I’m discovering new issues all the time. The one I’m most familiar with is that I’m sad about the way I look. All the time. I have been for 8 years. Then at the start of the year I realised that this lack of self worth… as well as something that happened in my past… impacts my relationships with guys. In a bad way. I also realised this year how sad I am about the state of the world and how the habits of mankind are now so ingrained, they can never be fixed and the world will only suffer because of it.
So this year I’ve been trying to take things easy. I didn’t want to go out with a guy and have just been trying to focus on myself. It was even working in the first half of the year. I lost ten kilos, I got awesome uni grades, and I was fairly happy.
And for some reason, it all got stuffed up in the second half of the year. Since about September I have just been depressed all over again. With no motivation to fix it.
Recently I had been seeing this guy… not for any kind of loving relationship… more like a Mila Kunis/Justin Timberlake type deal. And when we stopped talking I didn’t understand why I was so upset. Because I was completely ok with the fact that there were no strings attached. And then I realised why.
I lack excitement. I’m not inspired by life. And I’ve missed out on so many adventurous things that other people my age have done. I was seeing this guy for something interesting to do. I wanted him to distract me from my miserably boring life and so when it stopped, I knew I was alone and bored once again. The guy was 26. He has a great job, a good social life, he knows what he wants and is now making it happen for himself. Sometimes he mentioned things that he thought I had done, or did do because of my age (like going out lots, seeing all my friends, seeing other guys, trying different things). And I hadn’t done any of them. And this makes me so sad. What if I died tomorrow. I would have had the most boring life ever!
Along with this, I’m worried that I’m going to keep up this boring lifestyle. I don’t even know if the degree at uni is what I want to be doing. I don’t think I’m confident enough, or knowledgeable enough about news to be a journalist. And I don’t think I’m creative or motivated enough to be a writer. So the only thing left is editing and publishing. Correcting grammar for the rest of my life. Which I would be good at. But is it really what I want to do? And my friends all seem to know what they want. I hardly ever get to see my friends and now two of my closest are moving overseas for a career and for a different life. My other friend is doing well at her full-time job and my other one is so involved with work and uni and setting up a great life for herself that I never see her. And then there’s me. Doing nothing in my three-month holiday and despising every class at uni when I’m there on the two days I have to go.
If my mum heard me say all this, she’d probably call me ungrateful. I went to Italy for a month once… I got accepted to uni. For her that’s exciting stuff. But I need more. I need to be swept up in an adventure. Just do it on a whim, with no inhibitions. Just live in the awesome moment that it is.
I’ve had a bucket list for about three months now. And I’m not even close to ticking it all off. Due to this recent issue of mine I have been thinking of setting my bucket list as my New Year’s resolution, in an effort to actively get all the things ticked off. To create adventure.
I decided to write this because I was inspired by this post on Kerri&Eva’s blog. I actually may be stealing some of the things on that list I hadn’t thought of. Sorry if it’s a bit of a sob story but I actually haven’t vented about this at all. I’ve just been wallowing in my own depressive state. And that’s never good. So maybe I’ll start a side blog for my bucket list or I’ll just post it on here.
But here’s looking to 2012. It will hopefully definitely be full of adventure and happiness.
